You want me to sit down and shut up?

I was privileged to be at the Texas Capitol yesterday as state Senator Wendy Davis began her 12-hour filibuster of a grotesque law that would, for all practical purposes, end Texas women’s right to control their own bodies. Today, Gov. Rick Perry announced he would call another special session to pass the same legislation. This is my response.

YouTube Preview Image

This is what Texas women are capable of EVEN AFTER we sit down and shut up. The many, many voices cheering in the Senate gallery last night won’t be silenced by bullies. The next board we break will have a different bill number on it. The board after that may be a federal lawsuit. Doesn’t matter. We will break them all.

Introducing the Bitchslap Fantasy Fight League

Boxing glovesWelcome to the inaugural event in the Bitchslap Fantasy Fight League series, BFFL #1. The BFFL is a virtual fight club featuring full contact matchups between inspiring women, and people who richly deserve to have their asses kicked by inspiring women.

Rules, if any, will be determined as we go, by yours truly. Since this is a fantasy league, I’ll report the results of each match right on the card, which should save you a lot of time on your bookie’s website.

There’s no shortage of talent out there, folks! BFFL #1 features a 10 fight card:

MATCH 1

Ken Hoinsky, whose (now fully funded) Kickstarter project “Above the Game: A Guide to Getting Awesome With Women” includes such choice advice for men as “Don’t ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances”

vs.

Tina Turner, musical genius who survived years of abuse from her husband and manager Ike.

Result: Turner by KO in Round Two—a short but crowd-pleasing fight.

MATCH 2

James Taranto, Wall Street Journal editorialist who thinks efforts to stop military rape are “an effort to criminalize male sexuality”

vs.

Boudica, the Celtic queen who saw her daughters raped by Roman soldiers and responded with an armed rebellion and the slaughter of 70,000 Romans in the streets of Londinium.

Result: Unanimous decision for Boudica in Round One, after she impales Taranto on a spike.

MATCH 3

The as-yet-unnamed TSA Agent at LAX who tried to slut-shame a 15-year-old girl for wearing a T-shirt

vs.

Bea Arthur.

Result: Arthur by submission in Round Two with a Kimura wristlock.

MATCH 4

Koch-backed Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, whose mean-spirited, short-sighted “austerity” policy has blessed his state with a 1.6 percent job growth rate

vs.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

Result: Roosevelt by TKO in Round One, when a snap kick to the chin leaves Walker unresponsive.

MATCH 5

U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas), shitheel

vs.

Molly Ivins.

Result: Ivins by submission in Round Three, after laughing at Cruz’s clumsy footwork and labored breathing for two full rounds, with a triangle armbar.

MATCH 6

U.S. Rep. Michael Burgess (R-Texas), who argued that we should outlaw abortion because 15-week-old male fetuses may masturbate in utero.

vs.

Mary Wollstonecraft.

Result: The “hyena in petticoats” dominates Hegar from the opening bell, ultimately submitting him with a rear naked choke hold early in Round Three.

MATCH 7

Serena Williams, who recently chided the Steubenville rape victim for being in the wrong place

vs.

Billie Jean King.

Result: King by unanimous decision.

MATCH 8

Ted Nugent, screechy, overcompensating asshole

vs.

Annie Oakley.

Result: Oakley from 90 feet in Round One, with a .22 rifle.

MATCH 9

Charles Saatchi, who was photographed choking his wife Nigella Lawson, and responded to the ensuing publicity by saying it was “just a playful tiff”

vs.

Mrs. Dixon, the childhood next-door neighbor of actor Patrick Stewart, and the only person brave enough to stand up to Stewart’s abusive father.

Result: Dixon, 30 seconds into Round One, with a ferocious left hook for the TKO.

TITLE FIGHT

Defending: Nick Griffin, Chairman of the British National Party and MEP for North West England, who reacted to the horrific photos of Lawson being choked by her husband by Tweeting, “If I had the opportunity to squeeze Nigella Lawson, her throat wouldn’t be my first choice.”

When the Twitterverse reacted with outrage, Griffin doubled down: “Allusion to the attractiveness of Nigella’s profiteroles got 508 retweets & 75 likes in a bit over an hour & provoked MSM humor failure.”

Griffin gets the nod as headliner over Saatchi the strangler because Saatchi 1) has been warned by police, and 2) at 70 years old will hopefully have the good grace to drop dead soon.

Griffin, on the other hand, wins the title berth for 1) his sociopathic attempt to find the “humor” in strangulation, 2) responding to a potentially deadly assault by thinking about the victim’s boobies, and 3) trying to scramble his flabby ass up onto the moral high ground by claiming the media have no sense of humor. Buckle up, Nick my boy, because we have a real knee-slapper of a fight planned for you.

The Challenger: My plan for the BFFL was to choose symbolic women to kick each deserving person’s ass. But I’m going to make an exception for Griffin; this dimpled halfwit is mine. His juvenile, stuffy, stupid, misogynist, vulgar old-boy’s-club balls belong to me. And here’s how it will go down:

Round One: Griffin spends the full five minutes running away despite repeated warnings from the ref.
Round Two: In desperation, he attempts to grapple. I bloody his nose with a knee to the face and toy with him until the bell.
Round Three: I give him thirty seconds to attempt anything remotely competent and then end his ordeal with merciful speed.
Finishing Move: Tiger Mouth strike to the throat, palm-heel into the nose, and a well-placed, fully-wound-up kick to the groin once he’s on the ground. Yes, those are all illegal techniques. I don’t care. And no knock-out shots. I want him fully conscious throughout.

Fucking hilarious.

Please Tweet your suggestions for BFFL #2 to @SusanSchorn.

Spam-a-rama

I’m back! And in the twelve days or so I was gone, this website has acquired over 6500 spam comments on various blog posts. There might be a few legitimate comments in there too, but I’m afraid I don’t have the resources to track them down. So for the nonce, I am disabling comments. Hopefully I’ll have them back up soon, though I may have to require some kind of nominal login process to prevent your words being drowned in a sea of cheap Louis Vuitton handbags. In the meantime, you can Tweet at me: @SusanSchorn.

Let the Games Begin!

Tomorrow I’m leaving Austin for book signings in San Francisco, Seattle, and Portland. Washington, D.C. and Chicago are coming up next week. You can find all the details on my Events page–please spread the word!

Travel is a mixed pleasure for me–I love seeing new places, and while I’ll miss my family, it’s also exciting to feel like I’m moving independently for a few days, without having to worry that someone small will get tired, carsick, bored, or lost. But it’s also a challenge, because travel means meeting people I don’t know, finding my way around busy cities I’ve never been to, and going through airport security, which has to be one of the least enjoyable, most stress-inducing activities ever devised by humans.

So I’m looking at my travel over the next couple of weeks as a grand opportunity to practice so many of the baseline skills we teach in self defense classes: Staying calm, listening, making eye contact, speaking up clearly and directly, observing but not obsessing. It’s a nice bonus for a trip that will also let me connect with readers and booklovers across the country.

I’ll be Tweeting about my progress at @SusanSchorn. Hope to see you soon!

Win a Sun Dragon T-Shirt–Twitter CONTEST!

Rules

  • Retweet information about my upcoming book events (see below), and you’ll be entered in a random drawing for an official Sun Dragon T-shirt.
  • Each contest ends one hour before the official event start time, whatever time that is.
  • Just one entry per person per event, please. That is, you can Tweet all you want about the event, and me, and the book–please do!–but you’ll only be entered one time.
  • You do not have to come to the event or live in the same city to enter or win.

I will contact the winner(s) by Direct Message on Twitter to get your shirt size and shipping info, so make sure you’re Following me: @SusanSchorn. The winner will have his or her choice of several styles, sizes and colors.  I will ship outside the US but can’t be held responsible for mail getting lost en route to Canada or whatever other crazy places you might live in.

Upcoming Events:
Washington, D.C.–Thursday, June 13th, 7:00 p.m. Comet Restaurant in conjunction with Politics & Prose
Contest starts at 8:00 a.m. CDT Tuesday, June 11

Chicago–Saturday, June 15th, 4:00 p.m. Thousand Waves Martial Arts and Self Defense Center. In conjunction with The Book Cellar.
Contest starts at 8:00 a.m. CDT Thursday, June 13

Past Events:
San Francisco–Friday, June 7th, 7:30 p.m. Books, Inc., The Castro
Contest starts at 8:00 a.m. CDT Thursday June 6

Seattle–Saturday, June 8th, 5:00 p.m. Elliot Bay Book Co.
Contest starts at 8:00 a.m. CDT Friday, June 7

Portland–Monday, June 10th, 7:30 p.m. Powell’s Books (W. Burnside location)
Contest starts at 8:00 a.m. CDT Saturday, June 8

Stay tuned for D.C. and Chicago!