Welcome to the inaugural event in the Bitchslap Fantasy Fight League series, BFFL #1. The BFFL is a virtual fight club featuring full contact matchups between inspiring women, and people who richly deserve to have their asses kicked by inspiring women.
Rules, if any, will be determined as we go, by yours truly. Since this is a fantasy league, I’ll report the results of each match right on the card, which should save you a lot of time on your bookie’s website.
There’s no shortage of talent out there, folks! BFFL #1 features a 10 fight card:
Ken Hoinsky, whose (now fully funded) Kickstarter project “Above the Game: A Guide to Getting Awesome With Women” includes such choice advice for men as “Don’t ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances”
Tina Turner, musical genius who survived years of abuse from her husband and manager Ike.
Result: Turner by KO in Round Two—a short but crowd-pleasing fight.
James Taranto, Wall Street Journal editorialist who thinks efforts to stop military rape are “an effort to criminalize male sexuality”
Boudica, the Celtic queen who saw her daughters raped by Roman soldiers and responded with an armed rebellion and the slaughter of 70,000 Romans in the streets of Londinium.
Result: Unanimous decision for Boudica in Round One, after she impales Taranto on a spike.
The as-yet-unnamed TSA Agent at LAX who tried to slut-shame a 15-year-old girl for wearing a T-shirt
Result: Arthur by submission in Round Two with a Kimura wristlock.
Koch-backed Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, whose mean-spirited, short-sighted “austerity” policy has blessed his state with a 1.6 percent job growth rate
Result: Roosevelt by TKO in Round One, when a snap kick to the chin leaves Walker unresponsive.
U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas), shitheel
Result: Ivins by submission in Round Three, after laughing at Cruz’s clumsy footwork and labored breathing for two full rounds, with a triangle armbar.
U.S. Rep. Michael Burgess (R-Texas), who argued that we should outlaw abortion because 15-week-old male fetuses may masturbate in utero.
Result: The “hyena in petticoats” dominates Hegar from the opening bell, ultimately submitting him with a rear naked choke hold early in Round Three.
Serena Williams, who recently chided the Steubenville rape victim for being in the wrong place
Billie Jean King.
Result: King by unanimous decision.
Ted Nugent, screechy, overcompensating asshole
Result: Oakley from 90 feet in Round One, with a .22 rifle.
Charles Saatchi, who was photographed choking his wife Nigella Lawson, and responded to the ensuing publicity by saying it was “just a playful tiff”
Mrs. Dixon, the childhood next-door neighbor of actor Patrick Stewart, and the only person brave enough to stand up to Stewart’s abusive father.
Result: Dixon, 30 seconds into Round One, with a ferocious left hook for the TKO.
Defending: Nick Griffin, Chairman of the British National Party and MEP for North West England, who reacted to the horrific photos of Lawson being choked by her husband by Tweeting, “If I had the opportunity to squeeze Nigella Lawson, her throat wouldn’t be my first choice.”
When the Twitterverse reacted with outrage, Griffin doubled down: “Allusion to the attractiveness of Nigella’s profiteroles got 508 retweets & 75 likes in a bit over an hour & provoked MSM humor failure.”
Griffin gets the nod as headliner over Saatchi the strangler because Saatchi 1) has been warned by police, and 2) at 70 years old will hopefully have the good grace to drop dead soon.
Griffin, on the other hand, wins the title berth for 1) his sociopathic attempt to find the “humor” in strangulation, 2) responding to a potentially deadly assault by thinking about the victim’s boobies, and 3) trying to scramble his flabby ass up onto the moral high ground by claiming the media have no sense of humor. Buckle up, Nick my boy, because we have a real knee-slapper of a fight planned for you.
The Challenger: My plan for the BFFL was to choose symbolic women to kick each deserving person’s ass. But I’m going to make an exception for Griffin; this dimpled halfwit is mine. His juvenile, stuffy, stupid, misogynist, vulgar old-boy’s-club balls belong to me. And here’s how it will go down:
Round One: Griffin spends the full five minutes running away despite repeated warnings from the ref.
Round Two: In desperation, he attempts to grapple. I bloody his nose with a knee to the face and toy with him until the bell.
Round Three: I give him thirty seconds to attempt anything remotely competent and then end his ordeal with merciful speed.
Finishing Move: Tiger Mouth strike to the throat, palm-heel into the nose, and a well-placed, fully-wound-up kick to the groin once he’s on the ground. Yes, those are all illegal techniques. I don’t care. And no knock-out shots. I want him fully conscious throughout.
Please Tweet your suggestions for BFFL #2 to @SusanSchorn.